Favorite things...

Sorry Holly but i had to. Today a friend asked me what was my favorite thing about Christmas. I said spending time with my family, but really it is spending time with these two little ones. Children are so much fun! They have so much energy and when they aren't yours, you can spoil them, then give them back to mom and not have to worry about it. Plus my little niece is just the cutest thing in the world! I got to go bowling with them, and play games, (i killed my entire family at harry potter scene it) watching them open prestents and pull things out of their stockings, these are a few of my favorite things.

29 HOURS!!!!!

29 hours and then i will be home! Yipee! I am quite excited about that. I will get to spend a glorious 6 days withthe family and then come back here. I am most excited because tomorrow is my nephew's 8th birthday. This is very exciting. We are hoping that he will be able to be baptized this week while we are all home. Unluckily for me though my mother forgot to inform me that I get to give a little talk on the Holy Ghost. Thankfully i have an older sister who tells me the stuff that my mother thinks she has already told me so i am not completely in the dark.

OOH and another happy thought is that i don't have to be to work until 8 tomorrow morning. 2 hours more sleep for me cause i decided to make up 2 hours over the last 2 days. AHH i love to sleep!

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

This quote comes from Ghandi. He was really on to something. If we want the world to be a better place, don't we inturn have to become better people.

I have been thinking a lot latley. There are so many things in this world that break my heart and i have often thought, what difference can i make. I am just one little person. No one will care what i am trying to do. But herein lies the problem. If we don't think that our actions will matter and that no one cares what one little person is doing, then we are all doomed. It take just one person to set an example for others and, sometimes just one bad experience to make some one turn from the truth. So today let's all try to "be the change [we] want to see in the world" in our own little sphere's and who knows maybe one day it will happen on a much larger scale.

Home for the Holiday's...Not Quite

As we all gather together this year to celebrate thanksgiving with our families, i will be having a new experience. Fot the first time in my 24 years i will not be able to spend this holiday with my family. I am going to be sharing it with Ella's (a woman from work) family. I really didn't expect it to be so hard when i decided that i couldn't go home a month ago, but this week has proven to be more difficult than i had ever planned. I am not one to get homesick, at least not in the last 12 years, but as i sat in institute on tuesday night, and listend to our teacher talk of God's Country (Glacier National Park) and flathead lake and the loons and the beauty that is western montana i wanted to cry and leave right then for the big sky. I miss my home and my family but i wasn't expecting this type of reaction. I am a big girl. I haven't lived in missoula for 6 years. I manage to be fine on easter and the fourth of july. Why is thanksgiving any different? It shouldn't be. It is just a day. Another day that people spend with their families, but people always are spending time with their families on other random days throughout the year, so why does this day bother me so much? Well I am trying not to let it. I will put on my big girl panties and smile and go have a meal with a family i have never met and hope that i am not infinging on their time.

So this year i have realized how incredibly grateful for my family i really am. Family is so important to me. Last night i was pained by a friend that said he wasn't looking forward to spending the day with his family. I just wanted to hit him. He is spending the day with those who love him and will always be there for him. How is this bad? I don't mean to make this into a sob story, but honestly, i was so confused at how he could say that. I know that i have my friends here and that they all love me and for that I am so thankful and love them all dearly, but it is just not the same. Don't feel sorry for me. I am looking forward to spending the day with Ella and family. She says i need to meet her son. That could be fun. She is a great woman and is very caring and I am so appreciative of the invite.

To all of you Happy Thanksgiving. Rejoice in the many blessings that you have been given this day as you spend it with those you care for, who ever they may be.

Hey Foxymophandelmama. that's me

"First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him. Because of this divine heritage you, along with all of your spiritual sisters and brothers, have full equality in His sight and are empowered through obedience to become a rightful heir in His eternal kingdom, an "[heir] of God, and joint-[heir] with Christ." Seek to comprehend the significance of these doctrines. Everything Christ taught He taught to women as well as men. Indeed, in the restored light of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a woman, including a young woman, occupies a majesty all her own in the divine design of the Creator. You are, as Elder James E. Talmage once phrased it, "a sanctified investiture which none shall dare profane."
-Elder Jeffrey R Holland

I have decided to believe that i am absolutely fabulous. People see us as what we want them to see us as, so if we think that we are intimidating, then they think that as well, if we think that we are un approachable, then we probably are. I have decided that i truly am a goddess and why should i hide it? I am smart, funny, and dang hot, so why should I not think that I am a true goddess?

Sorry if this seems a little off, but tonight i was reminded of the divinity of womanhood as i read Elder Holland's talk from general conference and was reminded again that I am a daughter of God and i am loved for who i am and who i will become and I was profoundly impacted by it.

This talk also reminded me of a talk given in our sacrament meeting a few months ago, about being divinely feminine, and respecting the divinley feminine. There are so many in this world, male and female, who do not respect this femininity as they should. I feel that all women should be treated the same, with respect and gentleness, not just those who seem to need it. Even the strong and independent woman wants to be treated with gentleness and dignity. In fact, we may need it more, because soemthing needs to keep us from getting too hardened

So to all of you out there chivalry isn't dead, please treat us with respect and realize that a true gentleman treats all women the same, from your mother, to your girlfriend, to the little girl down the street and the random lady next to you on the bus.

Somewhere In Between

So I thought that i should post cause it has been many moon's (well actually not even a full moon), since my last post. But as i sat here trying to think of something to write, i really have nothing. I mean there i a lot i could say, but where would it get me? Not any place new. Just to places i have been in the past and that i don't feel like returning to right now. I could complain about my crazy schedual right now, about the horrible rush of fast approaching deadlines, finals in one month, and trauma's in my personal life, but i just don't want to. SO... i hope you are all fabulous, I am working on it. Have a lovely day.

I have been physically abused in the ear. I'm Deef!

So today I think that I may have fallen asleep during my mandatory hearing test. Luckily it wasn't for long and I still managed to pass the test in the normal range although there is one tone that was much higher than the others. Oh well.

On a similar topic, how often do we often listen to each other. I mean really listen and hear what isn't being said behind what is. I know that I am horrible at that. There are many times where I have failed to be receptive to the things I am being told. I think that I find it easier to ignore the nonverbal clues and feign ignorance than to actually have to admit I have noticed the deeper meaning, or that I have known all along what is going on. I am very selfish in this aspect. I expect people to notice all that I am saying, and yet don't find myself doing the same. I realized this today. It was brought to my attetion while recalling a conversation that I had recently with a friend. I wanted everything that I was trying to convey to be noticed and yet I am not sure that I was willing to listen to everything he was saying. Emotions are funny that way. I did listen, and I think that I got the point, but it makes me wonder how often I have missed out on the important things that are not being said because of my own selfish desires to not have to be troubled by other people's opinions. That is horrible.

You're Replaceable?

We all have insecurities that have been rooted in to our personalities, and some times they are a detriment to our social well being. I have plenty of my own, and i am trying to work them out. Where these insecurities come from is any one's guess. Maybe they come from our parents, maybe they come from barbie, maybe they come from being burned one to many times, maybe they come from the adversary. The source differs for each of us, but we mus realize that it is just that. An insecurity that is probably not based in any logic. Life can be crappy at times and we can either deal with it and choose to be happy, or deal with it and make a complete ass out of ourselves in the process.

Question!

As I was sitting in my institute class last night, I realized I just recieved my answer. I have had several questions lately that I have wanted answered, and all of them, except one, had been answered, and then last night, as we were listening to a lecture on Doctrine & Covenants 25, the answer came to me. It amazes me that I can recieve answers. I am suprised every time that they come, and yet, I know that they shouldn't, that I should know that they are coming, but still, to told so plainly...Maybe I should ask more questions, but I am affraid that I will be pestering. I should be content with the answers that have been given to me, but I want more. I have been told amazing things, and still I want to be told more. Is that wrong? I don't think so. It is only natural to seek guidance when we are concerned, confused, or hurting. But what about when we are happy, content, and growing? Is it wrong to want more when things are going so well? When I have been given so much already?

Help Wanted

Now accepting applications for a skilled laborer. Part-flex time position, with potential to go full time in the future. High yeilding, low turnover, great benefits. Will not work around other jobs, but flexible with schooling.

I'm a happy girl

I was just realizing how happy i really am. I have a great life. My friends are fabulous, i am happy with the direction i am headed. I know that there are loads of things that i still need to work on, but overall, i am happy. Life is good. I know that i am an amazing person and that i have some great things in store for me. Ahh, life is good.

I'm moving on

There are times in our lives when we have to decided what is really going to be best for us. The right path, the left path, the middle path, or why even bother making the decision I will sit here forever and not go anywhere. I am at this point right now.

For too long I have been sitting and waiting for things to happen to me. I don't want to make a choice because it is scary and things will have to change once I have chosen my new path. Life will take us where we let it, and right now I think I am letting it take me no where, so I am moving on.

I have let thing fester for to long, allowed them to make me bitter and hard. To put me in a horrible mood when I could just have easily been happy. For that I am sorry to all of you who have had to suffer through this with me, but just so you know, I am breaking free of the chains that have been holding me to this spot for so long. I am moving on.

It is scary to think that things are changing and, yet exciting at the same time. I know that I may be falling for a little bit, but there will always be someone there to lift me back up and to help me when I need it.

I have to change myself in order for this all to work properly, and I am sorry if this places us in different areanas. I hope that I distance no one, but I worry it may happen. For my own sanity and peace of mind, I may have to leave you. I don't want to, but it needs to happen. I am moving on.

Shark Bait

After the most fabulous vacation ever it is terribly hard to go back to work. I should have just stayed in Mexico. I have my "shark bite" to deal with. That shark has really sharp teeth and now i am being referred to a hand surgeon, because i have done so much dammage to it that my doctors thinks it may need surgery. Fabulous. I really just want to go home and take my Lorrie Taylors and sleep, but no, i have to endure another hour and a half of class, and only on ibuprophen that doesn't really help the pain for long. On the plus side, i can't sew right now, so i don't have to learn to make the horrible men's one peices. happy day. Oh and typing, not so easy with giant finger brace, it gets in the way, and it hurts if i forget and try to use it.

Vocab Lesson

Ceteris Paribus: the assumption of nothing else changing. This phrase has been very prevalent in my Microeconomics text. I think that i need to learn to use this in my life. I need to stop assuming that it will change. Assuming that this will stop, is a little asinine, because it has come to my attention that it will not.

It is obvious that there are somethings that just cannot be changed. We cannot change some one else's behavior. We cannot change the rain to sun. All that we can do is to ride out the storm and hope for the best in the end. It will be over soon. Things will be different when the cloud moves on.

Can i just say that i hate having a class during the day. Why is it that there are so many boys concerned with being pretty? Why do girls think it is good to be taupe? I really don't get any of this at all. At least i find comfort in knowing that at least in one of my classes there is banker boy. He was in several classes with me last semseter and is at least an intelligent person. this makes classes much more bearable right?

All i have to say is girls use your brains! It is ok to to be intelligent and want to accomplish things in your life, even if your ultimate goal is to get married, that is mine, yet i am not just sitting around pretending to be stupid, waiting for the first boy to come along. And boys, honestly, it is sad when you are prettier than most of the girls on campus. Be men, not wussy whiny little metro's.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Hypocrite: somebody who gives a false appearance of having admirable principles, beliefs, or feelings

Don't you hate hypocrisy? I know that I do.

Mortar and Brick

So, I build walls. Nice tall ones that very few people can get over. I keep invaders away with these walls. Very few people have really been able to penetrate my walls. On the rare occurance I let some one over the walls, and into my world, I offer more trust than you may realize. When trust is broken I have a handy dandy catapult that will shoot very far, and i immediatly start to build that wall a little higher, and remind myself not to be so foolish in letting people in. When i see some one approaching the top of my wall I go into defense mode and start to through everything i can at them, inorder to drive them away, they cannot be so close. I like my walls. They keep me gaurded and safe, within these walls i can not be hurt, or so i thought. I have realized that these walls are not that good at keeping me from being hurt. I think that they my actually be aiding in some of the hurt. If i continue building these walls the only one i will be hurting is me.

I realized this yesterday while sitting in the temple. I was just sitting and thinking i don't want to go. Here i am safe. There is nothing that can hurt me if i just never leave. I can curl up on this couch and sleep and never have to deal with any of the pain anymore. Then i realized that i would still be hurting. I would be stopping myself from progressing and would be dening myself all of the blessings God is waiting to give me. I can no longer hide from the world behind my walls. They are stopping me, not helping me, because, sure, no one can get in, but it is awfully hard for me to get out as well. So i am going to start taking down these walls, it may take a while they are very tall, and very strong. But brick by brick i am going to remove them. Be patient with me.

Have you ever

had one of those days when you know that everything is going to be ok, and even though nothing has been resolved anywhere, you are ok with it and know that you are just fine.? In fact so fine that you just start crying for no reason at all, sure most people would think that when you are crying there is obviously something wrong, but nope, all is well.

Can I Have that Back!

Have you ever wanted to undo something so badly because you know that it is just going to be misinterpreted and misunderstood, because of the time in which it was recieved. Not knowing what the outcome may be is scary, but oh well, move on. It probably needs to be out in the open anyway, and now it is, however innocent and unrelated the message was to something else going on at the time, but taken in the context of that time frame makes complete sense and explains a lot, but it wasn't meant to happen at that time becasue one didn't realize what was going on when the message was given. Now it shed a whole new light on what is really going on internally, and that, my friends, is so scary, things will definintly change and there is no stopping it becasue it needs to happen, and loud as the wish of containment screams "Get that back. Make it as though it never happened!" you can't. What is done is done.

I love...

1. Seeing the sunrise (odd since I am not a mornign person)
2. Being on time for work so I leave on time and not have to feel like I am detention and everyone else is going to go have fun.(it is a rare occurance)
3. Pink, but pretty much everone knows that by now.
4. My new canopy
5. That my adorable niece named her new kitten "Puppy"(she not even 2 so it is ok)
6. Hot weather
7. The smell of hot tar on a road in the summer
8. Flip-flops
9. The Gospel
10. My family
11. Shoes
12. My chipmunk laugh that only comes out when I am silly tired.
13. That in one week I will be driving to Montana, probably in about Idaho Falls at this time.
14. Painting houses
15. laying in the sunshine
16. Rivers(floating down them in tubes)
17. The Temple
18. My good friends
19. Flowers(really what girl doesn't)
20. Getting lost in a book.
21. Sunsets
22. Thunder storms
23. Mountains covered with pine trees
24. The Bears
25. Football, in general
26. Cherry Popsicles

Take A Chance On Me. On Second Thought...

So last night the immortal words of ABBA struck me, not in the usual context one thinks of when hearing this song, ok well at first that is where my thoughts lay, but then a rather different twist on this phrase crossed my mind, and I began to think. As I lay in bed, knowing there was no way i could even get 5 hours of sleep, I realized this life is full of chances. It is a chance for us to learn and to grow, and a chance to be happy.

So while these thoughts were filtering through my head, I decided that if I truley want to be happy, some chances are not going to be relived. When these have come and stabbed you in the back, and time and again continued to push the knife in jsut a little bit deeper, you have to say enough is enough. Things happen and chances can't be taken back once given, but they also don't have to be continuously given when the result has always been the same. Forgive, and move on is my ne motto, but I add to that, I will deffinently be more careful about those I allow to take a chance on me.

My Favorite Jeans

So lately I have been trying to remove a lot of junk and other useless and/or needless items from my possession. It is a tedious and long process, because as you may know I have a lot of stuff, and trying to decide what I want to keep, what I need to keep, and what I really should let go, if only for my own sanity, it is also dang hard to let go of the things that seem so great at the time. Things like that favorite pair of jeans that I will always want to keep, or that great sweatshirt, that makes me so comfortable and I just can't bear to part with it, even though I have lots of newer sweatshirts and jeans that may be in better shape or look better, but I just don't want to give them up yet. I hate shopping for jeans. I know that if I would be willing to let them go it could make more space, and maybe I could find someting similar, just as comfortable, or maybe even more comfortable, but it is scary to give up what I know is comfortable cause what if I can't find something that fits the same. I have often found a pair that I thought would be comfortable, and they turn out to be too tight, or too short, or too long, or too loose. Sure it isn't like I wear the same jeans and sweatshirt all the time, but when ever they calls to me I am willing to put them back on and I remember just why I am so comfortable in them. They know where they need to give a little more room and when I need them to just stay how they are. I continue to try and mend them and make them as good as new, but it seems like when ever I get back to them, they need more repairs to their tattered seams. They should probably just be set free, but I come back to that old problem of liking them no matter how beat up and torn they are.

Dirty Laundry

Can I just say that I have come to the realization that I hate laundry day. I never hated it before, but today i relized that i will not be able to make it another 3 weeks before doing laundry, when i will be at home in montana and it will be free, cause I only have a bout 3 days worth of undies. Not good. I am going to have to walk myself across the parking lot and pay to wash my clothing for the first time in about 3 years. This is no fun. I almost long for the days when i was in Rexburg and home was just a quick four hour drive, so i could go home every couple weeks and do laundry for free if I felt so inclined. But alas it is now 7 hours and that is just not worth it. So I will have to cart my laundry basket downstairs and to the laundromat soon and endure the boring hours tht will be consumed by this tedious, yet needed, time waste. At least they have free drying... maybe i will do it tomorrow and try to give my self skin cancer between cycles. That sounds lovely.

Hold please...

So I have been put on hold. There are some great opportunities that soon will be available in my life, but for the moment they have been put on hold for and unspecified amount of time. All I know is they will come to fruition soon. I am hoping one thing I am holding for isn't soon in the Lord's time cause that could be ten years for all I know, and I really don't want to be sewing underwear for the next 10 years. This is frustrating. I know that things will all work out how they are supposed to, but honestly haven't I been holding long enough? I guess not, I will keep holding for a little minute, I suppose.

Whether it be with school, work, or relationships, I have been placed on hold. Well I guess school not so much, even though it will take me a few more years to finish, at least I am still going. My goals and plans have not changed, but it seems that I am not moving any closer to them. Life can sometimes do that to you right? So we trudge on, hoping that soon we will be put through and allowed to have what it is we desire.

Chats

This weekend I was able to spend some time with a good friend, whom I have been neglecting for a while, not because I don't love her to death, just because things have been different lately. We were able to talk and to share a lot. She is so amazing. I am constantly in awe of how caring and thougthful she is of all her friends and how at times there are those who take advantage of that. Some times it is so nice to just be able to remeber just why that friendship is there in the first place.

Unequal to the Task

It is amazing the ways in which the Lord will get you to turn to him. There was a time, just a few months ago actually, that I was thinking of changing my major to elementary education, with an emphasis in early childhood education, I seriously contemplated this for a few weeks, but I was distinctly told "No, that is not the path for you," so I stuck with business, thinking oh well, not that big of a deal, I am not supposed to teach I guess. But once again I was wrong. I recently have been called to teach in church. This scares the poo out of me. When I wanted to teach I was thinking little kids who are still young and their minds are still moldable, not adult women who know so much more than I do about anything that I am going to try to teach them. I know that if I am willing to ask, the Lord will give me the knowledge that I need to be able to help instruct by the Spirit and to touch at least one person, even if the one person who gains anything from the lesson is me. Still, this is going to make me face one of my fears. I have never felt that I am knowledgable when it comes to the Gospel, so having to teach is going to give me an ulser or two, for a little bit. I will have to turn to the Lord if I ever want to be able to accomplish this new calling.

So Close, And Yet...

So you know how sometimes you want something so bad, but you don't know how to get it? You can see it, touch it, you are so close to it, and yet you can't have it. You wish so bad that you could just get a taste of it, then you realize that may not be a good idea, because you could just end up wanting it even more, but who knows you may not want it at all after that first little taste, but it is too big of a risk to take. Sometimes we just have to accept that we probably won't get it, and there is a good reason for why we can't have it just yet, or perhaps ever, but sometimes that is just so difficult to grasp. One day maybe you can have it, but for now there is a big no standing between you and that desire and so you move one, and if it is meant for you, maybe there will be another opportunity sometime down the road.

What A Girl Wants...

So does a girl, namely me, really know what She wants? I propose the answer of hell no! Lets take me for an example.

I meet boy. I think I would like to get to know boy, boy seems very nice. Boy cooks me dinner on Sunday. Then boy asks me out for Wednesday. Jeje and I carpool with boy to FHE. JRA points out "he is digging your show." Wednseday comes, once again boy cooks me dinner, boy opens my car doors, boy is a perfect gentleman, boy treats me like a princess, boy is very nice...but herein lies the problem. Boy is too nice. I see no spark of wickedness in boy at all. I need that spark. I need a boy to banter with, to take my sarcasm and not turn it into sugary sweet grossnesss, that makes me want to vomit.

So what is wrong with me? I get what I think I want and then realize that oh nope not so much. I always have said I need some one who will treat me like a princess, but when I actually find someone like that, hmm, not so much. Boy is super nice, but that is just it. That is all boy will be. Boy must be moved into friend zone. That is all there is to it.

See girls really don't know what they want, or at least in my case that is true. It't not that I want a boy who will be a jerk and treat me like crap, oh no, not at all, I do want a boy who will treat me well, but one who will also stand up to my sarcasm and through some right back at my face.

Retreat

I love the Gospel! It is amazing how much I feel my testimony grow at each of these events. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is an amazing gift that I have been given. I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God and restored the church to the earth today. It is amazing to feel the gift of the Holy Ghost in my life. I love that i am able to feel the spirit when true principles are being taught, weather it be form our Bishop or just from an ordianary 20 something in the ward. Truth is universal and is so vital to our exsitance. I love the gospel! I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! I know that it is the true chruch and that God will work mighty miracles through his faithful saints. Just look at silent thunder's bog, if you have any question about the power the gospel has in the lives of every one around the world.

Humanity

We Wish To Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch tells the story of Rwanda’s genocide in 1994 and the efforts to rebuild. As I read this book I was struck with awe at how in the world in which we live, this was allowed to happen. Prior to reading this book I went to see the movie Hotel Rwanda and knew of the tragedy and how it was allowed to happen by the entire western world. I was amazed at how this happened in my life time and yet I really knew nothing of it until this year. How does one live in a world where this can happen and not know anything about it? I also realized that while this only happened eleven years ago, that I was only thirteen and was probably too interested in the things of a young teen girl, such as boys and friends.

Upon realizing this I have felt slightly less guilty for my lack of knowledge on such a major event in our history, and yet I can’t help but think that it is this kind of justification that made the entire world turn their collective heads as nearly a million innocent people were murdered, when Rwandan’s turned on their neighbors, literally the people who they had grown up with and lived with their entire lives. Is it really ok to say “Oh that is not my problem,” or “I was only a child, it isn’t my fault I didn’t know any better?” Is our human existence so detached from one another that we will not aid those who are truly in need, when we see no immanent threat to ourselves? What does it mean to share the planet with others? Are we going to claim as Cain did, “I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper?” Or will we rise with humanity and grasp to aid and lift one another from despair and sorrow in whatever capacity we can?

While reading I wondered what does it mean to be humane? There is more to humanity that simply not committing atrocities upon our brethren. We should be doing all that we can in order to stop other when they are committing them as well. It is certainly not humane for us to sit back and observe the gross violations of human rights that happen almost daily and say, “There is nothing that I can do. They are half a world away.” It is true there is so little that we can do as individuals from with in our limited view and sphere, but one person can be the factor of change in a world. One person can influence many to do that which is good, or that which is evil, as manifested in Rwanda. As we live our lives we should be looking for ways that we can serve others to better their lives and to bring peace and happiness to them in their bleakest hours.

How does you rebuild after such horrible crimes against humanity have been committed against you? How do you go on knowing that tomorrow could be that day that it is your turn to be killed? How do you rebuild your life after it has been shattered and your family has been slaughtered? There are many people dealing with these questions today. It takes a long time for the healing to take place, if it ever will, and I don’t see how anyone could ever forget the pains that they suffered. In his book, Philip Gourevitch asks himself the question “Is there any hope for this place?” he answers it with a quote that was given to him by Paul Rusesabagina, a survivor of the genocide, “With my countrymen-Rwandans-you never know what they will become tomorrow.”

I don’t know the answer to this question of humanity. All that I do know is that I hope that through out my life I am an able to make a change for the better, even if it is just in one person’s life, and to help them realize that they are loved by God, even when they feel totally alone and forgotten. Perhaps this is the answer to the question; knowing that we are all beloved children of God, and that he desires for us all to be happy, maybe this is how we can solve the hatred and cruelty that is so prevalent in the world today. If we can take the time to realize that we each have the right to live and to experience all the good that life has to offer, maybe then we could live together in a state of Utopia.

Stumbling Blocks

I am done with these dang stumbling blocks that have been put before me. I know that they are for my good and that they are there for a reason, but I still don't have to like them, right? For instance, once again I have been passed over for a position at work that I know that I am qualified for and could do a spectacular job at if I was given the opportunity. I get so frustrated when after almost 3 years of workign here, they still hire some one else. I just want to scream and say why? Why have you passed on me for the third time for this position? I have stayed and worked here and in the mean time you have had to replace 2 people in that postion that you could have given to me and avoided the whole fiasco. I know that the Lord is mindful of my desires and wants me to be happy, but sometimes I wish that I could see the whole picture so I would understand why this will make me happier in the long run. Or at least know the reason for the stumbling blocks that are thrown in my path.

To follow on a very common theme today...

I am also in agreement of the stupidity of the male sex these days. Although for some reason i have had decent luck in the last week or so, i still wonder, why now? Has no one ever noticed the fact that i am a girl before? I think it is pretty obvious, and unless i have completely disorted view of myself, i think that i am a pretty cute girl, so i don't understand why it is so difficult to ask me out? Anyway, and boys, the whole idea that asking girls out is so hard and that they must be like their friends, and what ever lame excuse there is, get over it! Strong, intelligent, independent women are not horrible! Alot of us also just want to be moms and would give it all up in a heart beat, for the opportunity, if it was the right man.

Haz Mat

6:30 comes terribly early somedays, and yet i still get up and go to work. Today after waking up at 6:30, (had some snowflakes to deliver last night) I seriously consider calling in sick, but I trudge on knowing that I must go to work. As I am sitting at my "computer" at 8, they tell us to get our coats and keys and evacuate the building. By this time I have only been at work for about an hour, and I am thinking man I hope they send us home. So after sitting in the parking lot for 2 hours, they finally decide to let us go home for the rest of the day. Now I am thinking I am very happy that I didn't call in because this way I get the entire day off and don't have to use any of my sick or anual leave hours.

Now my dilema is what should i do today? It is so beautiful outside , that I feel it is a waste to stay inside and do homework or work on my temple dress, but I do have all of this free time on my hands and have to decide on something. I know that I should feel a little guilty for having such a jubilant feeling from having unstable hazardous material at work and knowing that people were in close contact with it and that is why I am home for the day, but I don't.

Burning Eyes

So today as i was driving home form my wonderful job that i love so much my eye just started burning. It felt like it was on fire! I don't know why, but it has been doing this quite often lately and then it jsut waters and waters. Not fun, i hurst real bad when it does it and people probably think i am having an emotional breakdown.

So the reason for this little tale? I am not sure maybe it is that we all must suffer pain in our life and sometimes it is just very sudden and unexpected ad dang does it hurt. Maybe people think that we are crazy, but then there are those who understand, who have been there before and can empathize with us. They share our grief and know that we can make it through. When times are hard and we just want to break down and cry, remember that there is always someone there who is willing to comfort us and lift us up through our troubles.

Games!

Playing games is fun. Is that grammatically correct? It seems odd. Anyway, my friends are great the are always planning way fun things to do. It is a good thing that we have a Weekend Nazi or I am affraid that we would never do anything, cause when I was the temporary Weekend Nazi things jsut went all to crap. It is a good thing that the supreme Nazi is back. Maybe i shouldn't call her a supreme nazi, that just sounds mean. Anyway i am so excited to be playing games tonight. Yahoo for games!

Becoming...

Is there anything that seems more important than knowing who you really are? Who you want to become? This is a journey that I embark on daily. Becoming the person I want to be is turning out to be a much longer and much more involved process than I had ever imagined it could be. In my niavetee, I must have believed that I could just wake up one mornign and everything would be as I had always wanted it, now I know that isn't true.

As I have grown as a person, I have come to realize that there are so many things in my life that I need to be improving. The worries that I have had in the past now all seem to me to be silly and quiet frankly trivial. So many things take presidence over the reasons for the fights I would get in with my sister. To know that I am loved by my family and to have them know that I love them in return is one of the ways that I am working on to become the real me, the ultimate Domestic Goddess.