Can I Have that Back!

Have you ever wanted to undo something so badly because you know that it is just going to be misinterpreted and misunderstood, because of the time in which it was recieved. Not knowing what the outcome may be is scary, but oh well, move on. It probably needs to be out in the open anyway, and now it is, however innocent and unrelated the message was to something else going on at the time, but taken in the context of that time frame makes complete sense and explains a lot, but it wasn't meant to happen at that time becasue one didn't realize what was going on when the message was given. Now it shed a whole new light on what is really going on internally, and that, my friends, is so scary, things will definintly change and there is no stopping it becasue it needs to happen, and loud as the wish of containment screams "Get that back. Make it as though it never happened!" you can't. What is done is done.

I love...

1. Seeing the sunrise (odd since I am not a mornign person)
2. Being on time for work so I leave on time and not have to feel like I am detention and everyone else is going to go have fun.(it is a rare occurance)
3. Pink, but pretty much everone knows that by now.
4. My new canopy
5. That my adorable niece named her new kitten "Puppy"(she not even 2 so it is ok)
6. Hot weather
7. The smell of hot tar on a road in the summer
8. Flip-flops
9. The Gospel
10. My family
11. Shoes
12. My chipmunk laugh that only comes out when I am silly tired.
13. That in one week I will be driving to Montana, probably in about Idaho Falls at this time.
14. Painting houses
15. laying in the sunshine
16. Rivers(floating down them in tubes)
17. The Temple
18. My good friends
19. Flowers(really what girl doesn't)
20. Getting lost in a book.
21. Sunsets
22. Thunder storms
23. Mountains covered with pine trees
24. The Bears
25. Football, in general
26. Cherry Popsicles

Take A Chance On Me. On Second Thought...

So last night the immortal words of ABBA struck me, not in the usual context one thinks of when hearing this song, ok well at first that is where my thoughts lay, but then a rather different twist on this phrase crossed my mind, and I began to think. As I lay in bed, knowing there was no way i could even get 5 hours of sleep, I realized this life is full of chances. It is a chance for us to learn and to grow, and a chance to be happy.

So while these thoughts were filtering through my head, I decided that if I truley want to be happy, some chances are not going to be relived. When these have come and stabbed you in the back, and time and again continued to push the knife in jsut a little bit deeper, you have to say enough is enough. Things happen and chances can't be taken back once given, but they also don't have to be continuously given when the result has always been the same. Forgive, and move on is my ne motto, but I add to that, I will deffinently be more careful about those I allow to take a chance on me.

My Favorite Jeans

So lately I have been trying to remove a lot of junk and other useless and/or needless items from my possession. It is a tedious and long process, because as you may know I have a lot of stuff, and trying to decide what I want to keep, what I need to keep, and what I really should let go, if only for my own sanity, it is also dang hard to let go of the things that seem so great at the time. Things like that favorite pair of jeans that I will always want to keep, or that great sweatshirt, that makes me so comfortable and I just can't bear to part with it, even though I have lots of newer sweatshirts and jeans that may be in better shape or look better, but I just don't want to give them up yet. I hate shopping for jeans. I know that if I would be willing to let them go it could make more space, and maybe I could find someting similar, just as comfortable, or maybe even more comfortable, but it is scary to give up what I know is comfortable cause what if I can't find something that fits the same. I have often found a pair that I thought would be comfortable, and they turn out to be too tight, or too short, or too long, or too loose. Sure it isn't like I wear the same jeans and sweatshirt all the time, but when ever they calls to me I am willing to put them back on and I remember just why I am so comfortable in them. They know where they need to give a little more room and when I need them to just stay how they are. I continue to try and mend them and make them as good as new, but it seems like when ever I get back to them, they need more repairs to their tattered seams. They should probably just be set free, but I come back to that old problem of liking them no matter how beat up and torn they are.

Dirty Laundry

Can I just say that I have come to the realization that I hate laundry day. I never hated it before, but today i relized that i will not be able to make it another 3 weeks before doing laundry, when i will be at home in montana and it will be free, cause I only have a bout 3 days worth of undies. Not good. I am going to have to walk myself across the parking lot and pay to wash my clothing for the first time in about 3 years. This is no fun. I almost long for the days when i was in Rexburg and home was just a quick four hour drive, so i could go home every couple weeks and do laundry for free if I felt so inclined. But alas it is now 7 hours and that is just not worth it. So I will have to cart my laundry basket downstairs and to the laundromat soon and endure the boring hours tht will be consumed by this tedious, yet needed, time waste. At least they have free drying... maybe i will do it tomorrow and try to give my self skin cancer between cycles. That sounds lovely.

Hold please...

So I have been put on hold. There are some great opportunities that soon will be available in my life, but for the moment they have been put on hold for and unspecified amount of time. All I know is they will come to fruition soon. I am hoping one thing I am holding for isn't soon in the Lord's time cause that could be ten years for all I know, and I really don't want to be sewing underwear for the next 10 years. This is frustrating. I know that things will all work out how they are supposed to, but honestly haven't I been holding long enough? I guess not, I will keep holding for a little minute, I suppose.

Whether it be with school, work, or relationships, I have been placed on hold. Well I guess school not so much, even though it will take me a few more years to finish, at least I am still going. My goals and plans have not changed, but it seems that I am not moving any closer to them. Life can sometimes do that to you right? So we trudge on, hoping that soon we will be put through and allowed to have what it is we desire.

Chats

This weekend I was able to spend some time with a good friend, whom I have been neglecting for a while, not because I don't love her to death, just because things have been different lately. We were able to talk and to share a lot. She is so amazing. I am constantly in awe of how caring and thougthful she is of all her friends and how at times there are those who take advantage of that. Some times it is so nice to just be able to remeber just why that friendship is there in the first place.

Unequal to the Task

It is amazing the ways in which the Lord will get you to turn to him. There was a time, just a few months ago actually, that I was thinking of changing my major to elementary education, with an emphasis in early childhood education, I seriously contemplated this for a few weeks, but I was distinctly told "No, that is not the path for you," so I stuck with business, thinking oh well, not that big of a deal, I am not supposed to teach I guess. But once again I was wrong. I recently have been called to teach in church. This scares the poo out of me. When I wanted to teach I was thinking little kids who are still young and their minds are still moldable, not adult women who know so much more than I do about anything that I am going to try to teach them. I know that if I am willing to ask, the Lord will give me the knowledge that I need to be able to help instruct by the Spirit and to touch at least one person, even if the one person who gains anything from the lesson is me. Still, this is going to make me face one of my fears. I have never felt that I am knowledgable when it comes to the Gospel, so having to teach is going to give me an ulser or two, for a little bit. I will have to turn to the Lord if I ever want to be able to accomplish this new calling.

So Close, And Yet...

So you know how sometimes you want something so bad, but you don't know how to get it? You can see it, touch it, you are so close to it, and yet you can't have it. You wish so bad that you could just get a taste of it, then you realize that may not be a good idea, because you could just end up wanting it even more, but who knows you may not want it at all after that first little taste, but it is too big of a risk to take. Sometimes we just have to accept that we probably won't get it, and there is a good reason for why we can't have it just yet, or perhaps ever, but sometimes that is just so difficult to grasp. One day maybe you can have it, but for now there is a big no standing between you and that desire and so you move one, and if it is meant for you, maybe there will be another opportunity sometime down the road.

What A Girl Wants...

So does a girl, namely me, really know what She wants? I propose the answer of hell no! Lets take me for an example.

I meet boy. I think I would like to get to know boy, boy seems very nice. Boy cooks me dinner on Sunday. Then boy asks me out for Wednesday. Jeje and I carpool with boy to FHE. JRA points out "he is digging your show." Wednseday comes, once again boy cooks me dinner, boy opens my car doors, boy is a perfect gentleman, boy treats me like a princess, boy is very nice...but herein lies the problem. Boy is too nice. I see no spark of wickedness in boy at all. I need that spark. I need a boy to banter with, to take my sarcasm and not turn it into sugary sweet grossnesss, that makes me want to vomit.

So what is wrong with me? I get what I think I want and then realize that oh nope not so much. I always have said I need some one who will treat me like a princess, but when I actually find someone like that, hmm, not so much. Boy is super nice, but that is just it. That is all boy will be. Boy must be moved into friend zone. That is all there is to it.

See girls really don't know what they want, or at least in my case that is true. It't not that I want a boy who will be a jerk and treat me like crap, oh no, not at all, I do want a boy who will treat me well, but one who will also stand up to my sarcasm and through some right back at my face.

Retreat

I love the Gospel! It is amazing how much I feel my testimony grow at each of these events. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is an amazing gift that I have been given. I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God and restored the church to the earth today. It is amazing to feel the gift of the Holy Ghost in my life. I love that i am able to feel the spirit when true principles are being taught, weather it be form our Bishop or just from an ordianary 20 something in the ward. Truth is universal and is so vital to our exsitance. I love the gospel! I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! I know that it is the true chruch and that God will work mighty miracles through his faithful saints. Just look at silent thunder's bog, if you have any question about the power the gospel has in the lives of every one around the world.

Humanity

We Wish To Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch tells the story of Rwanda’s genocide in 1994 and the efforts to rebuild. As I read this book I was struck with awe at how in the world in which we live, this was allowed to happen. Prior to reading this book I went to see the movie Hotel Rwanda and knew of the tragedy and how it was allowed to happen by the entire western world. I was amazed at how this happened in my life time and yet I really knew nothing of it until this year. How does one live in a world where this can happen and not know anything about it? I also realized that while this only happened eleven years ago, that I was only thirteen and was probably too interested in the things of a young teen girl, such as boys and friends.

Upon realizing this I have felt slightly less guilty for my lack of knowledge on such a major event in our history, and yet I can’t help but think that it is this kind of justification that made the entire world turn their collective heads as nearly a million innocent people were murdered, when Rwandan’s turned on their neighbors, literally the people who they had grown up with and lived with their entire lives. Is it really ok to say “Oh that is not my problem,” or “I was only a child, it isn’t my fault I didn’t know any better?” Is our human existence so detached from one another that we will not aid those who are truly in need, when we see no immanent threat to ourselves? What does it mean to share the planet with others? Are we going to claim as Cain did, “I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper?” Or will we rise with humanity and grasp to aid and lift one another from despair and sorrow in whatever capacity we can?

While reading I wondered what does it mean to be humane? There is more to humanity that simply not committing atrocities upon our brethren. We should be doing all that we can in order to stop other when they are committing them as well. It is certainly not humane for us to sit back and observe the gross violations of human rights that happen almost daily and say, “There is nothing that I can do. They are half a world away.” It is true there is so little that we can do as individuals from with in our limited view and sphere, but one person can be the factor of change in a world. One person can influence many to do that which is good, or that which is evil, as manifested in Rwanda. As we live our lives we should be looking for ways that we can serve others to better their lives and to bring peace and happiness to them in their bleakest hours.

How does you rebuild after such horrible crimes against humanity have been committed against you? How do you go on knowing that tomorrow could be that day that it is your turn to be killed? How do you rebuild your life after it has been shattered and your family has been slaughtered? There are many people dealing with these questions today. It takes a long time for the healing to take place, if it ever will, and I don’t see how anyone could ever forget the pains that they suffered. In his book, Philip Gourevitch asks himself the question “Is there any hope for this place?” he answers it with a quote that was given to him by Paul Rusesabagina, a survivor of the genocide, “With my countrymen-Rwandans-you never know what they will become tomorrow.”

I don’t know the answer to this question of humanity. All that I do know is that I hope that through out my life I am an able to make a change for the better, even if it is just in one person’s life, and to help them realize that they are loved by God, even when they feel totally alone and forgotten. Perhaps this is the answer to the question; knowing that we are all beloved children of God, and that he desires for us all to be happy, maybe this is how we can solve the hatred and cruelty that is so prevalent in the world today. If we can take the time to realize that we each have the right to live and to experience all the good that life has to offer, maybe then we could live together in a state of Utopia.

Stumbling Blocks

I am done with these dang stumbling blocks that have been put before me. I know that they are for my good and that they are there for a reason, but I still don't have to like them, right? For instance, once again I have been passed over for a position at work that I know that I am qualified for and could do a spectacular job at if I was given the opportunity. I get so frustrated when after almost 3 years of workign here, they still hire some one else. I just want to scream and say why? Why have you passed on me for the third time for this position? I have stayed and worked here and in the mean time you have had to replace 2 people in that postion that you could have given to me and avoided the whole fiasco. I know that the Lord is mindful of my desires and wants me to be happy, but sometimes I wish that I could see the whole picture so I would understand why this will make me happier in the long run. Or at least know the reason for the stumbling blocks that are thrown in my path.

To follow on a very common theme today...

I am also in agreement of the stupidity of the male sex these days. Although for some reason i have had decent luck in the last week or so, i still wonder, why now? Has no one ever noticed the fact that i am a girl before? I think it is pretty obvious, and unless i have completely disorted view of myself, i think that i am a pretty cute girl, so i don't understand why it is so difficult to ask me out? Anyway, and boys, the whole idea that asking girls out is so hard and that they must be like their friends, and what ever lame excuse there is, get over it! Strong, intelligent, independent women are not horrible! Alot of us also just want to be moms and would give it all up in a heart beat, for the opportunity, if it was the right man.

Haz Mat

6:30 comes terribly early somedays, and yet i still get up and go to work. Today after waking up at 6:30, (had some snowflakes to deliver last night) I seriously consider calling in sick, but I trudge on knowing that I must go to work. As I am sitting at my "computer" at 8, they tell us to get our coats and keys and evacuate the building. By this time I have only been at work for about an hour, and I am thinking man I hope they send us home. So after sitting in the parking lot for 2 hours, they finally decide to let us go home for the rest of the day. Now I am thinking I am very happy that I didn't call in because this way I get the entire day off and don't have to use any of my sick or anual leave hours.

Now my dilema is what should i do today? It is so beautiful outside , that I feel it is a waste to stay inside and do homework or work on my temple dress, but I do have all of this free time on my hands and have to decide on something. I know that I should feel a little guilty for having such a jubilant feeling from having unstable hazardous material at work and knowing that people were in close contact with it and that is why I am home for the day, but I don't.

Burning Eyes

So today as i was driving home form my wonderful job that i love so much my eye just started burning. It felt like it was on fire! I don't know why, but it has been doing this quite often lately and then it jsut waters and waters. Not fun, i hurst real bad when it does it and people probably think i am having an emotional breakdown.

So the reason for this little tale? I am not sure maybe it is that we all must suffer pain in our life and sometimes it is just very sudden and unexpected ad dang does it hurt. Maybe people think that we are crazy, but then there are those who understand, who have been there before and can empathize with us. They share our grief and know that we can make it through. When times are hard and we just want to break down and cry, remember that there is always someone there who is willing to comfort us and lift us up through our troubles.

Games!

Playing games is fun. Is that grammatically correct? It seems odd. Anyway, my friends are great the are always planning way fun things to do. It is a good thing that we have a Weekend Nazi or I am affraid that we would never do anything, cause when I was the temporary Weekend Nazi things jsut went all to crap. It is a good thing that the supreme Nazi is back. Maybe i shouldn't call her a supreme nazi, that just sounds mean. Anyway i am so excited to be playing games tonight. Yahoo for games!

Becoming...

Is there anything that seems more important than knowing who you really are? Who you want to become? This is a journey that I embark on daily. Becoming the person I want to be is turning out to be a much longer and much more involved process than I had ever imagined it could be. In my niavetee, I must have believed that I could just wake up one mornign and everything would be as I had always wanted it, now I know that isn't true.

As I have grown as a person, I have come to realize that there are so many things in my life that I need to be improving. The worries that I have had in the past now all seem to me to be silly and quiet frankly trivial. So many things take presidence over the reasons for the fights I would get in with my sister. To know that I am loved by my family and to have them know that I love them in return is one of the ways that I am working on to become the real me, the ultimate Domestic Goddess.