So, I build walls. Nice tall ones that very few people can get over. I keep invaders away with these walls. Very few people have really been able to penetrate my walls. On the rare occurance I let some one over the walls, and into my world, I offer more trust than you may realize. When trust is broken I have a handy dandy catapult that will shoot very far, and i immediatly start to build that wall a little higher, and remind myself not to be so foolish in letting people in. When i see some one approaching the top of my wall I go into defense mode and start to through everything i can at them, inorder to drive them away, they cannot be so close. I like my walls. They keep me gaurded and safe, within these walls i can not be hurt, or so i thought. I have realized that these walls are not that good at keeping me from being hurt. I think that they my actually be aiding in some of the hurt. If i continue building these walls the only one i will be hurting is me.
I realized this yesterday while sitting in the temple. I was just sitting and thinking i don't want to go. Here i am safe. There is nothing that can hurt me if i just never leave. I can curl up on this couch and sleep and never have to deal with any of the pain anymore. Then i realized that i would still be hurting. I would be stopping myself from progressing and would be dening myself all of the blessings God is waiting to give me. I can no longer hide from the world behind my walls. They are stopping me, not helping me, because, sure, no one can get in, but it is awfully hard for me to get out as well. So i am going to start taking down these walls, it may take a while they are very tall, and very strong. But brick by brick i am going to remove them. Be patient with me.
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My roommate and I have been trying for years to sleep over at the temple, but we have yet to be allowed. We keep telling them that Father wouldn't mind us sleeping on the couch in His living room, but they don't buy it.
Hang in there my friend! We could have a wall falling party for all of us! I have been knocking away at mine for almost a year now so be patient with yourself for it all doesn't come down at once. Love you!!
Venus, we love ya'. If the walls of Jericho came tumbling down, so can ours!
Its nice to hear you are aware that you have been keeping yourself trapped in as well. I mean, I'm not saying its good that you have been doing that, just the whole recognition thing is great. I've mostly given up caring about others feelings towards me, which is hard, and just worry about how I feel about others.
Dear Venus, you are amazing! I've recenly come to a similar realization about how much more detrimental than beneficial walls can be.
Something to think about...sometimes it is a little easier to knock down a wall when you allow others to help. There are many people who love you and are excited to see the bricks crumble...let us know if you need us.
p.s. trusting and loving is hard and can be hurtful, but it's also the most amazing experience that you'll ever have...it really is worth it so don't be afraid!
I have nothing profound to say like everyone else, but I just wanted you to know that your shoe collection is a cause of great envy on my part. Is that a sin? Am I being covetous?
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