I have been physically abused in the ear. I'm Deef!

So today I think that I may have fallen asleep during my mandatory hearing test. Luckily it wasn't for long and I still managed to pass the test in the normal range although there is one tone that was much higher than the others. Oh well.

On a similar topic, how often do we often listen to each other. I mean really listen and hear what isn't being said behind what is. I know that I am horrible at that. There are many times where I have failed to be receptive to the things I am being told. I think that I find it easier to ignore the nonverbal clues and feign ignorance than to actually have to admit I have noticed the deeper meaning, or that I have known all along what is going on. I am very selfish in this aspect. I expect people to notice all that I am saying, and yet don't find myself doing the same. I realized this today. It was brought to my attetion while recalling a conversation that I had recently with a friend. I wanted everything that I was trying to convey to be noticed and yet I am not sure that I was willing to listen to everything he was saying. Emotions are funny that way. I did listen, and I think that I got the point, but it makes me wonder how often I have missed out on the important things that are not being said because of my own selfish desires to not have to be troubled by other people's opinions. That is horrible.

You're Replaceable?

We all have insecurities that have been rooted in to our personalities, and some times they are a detriment to our social well being. I have plenty of my own, and i am trying to work them out. Where these insecurities come from is any one's guess. Maybe they come from our parents, maybe they come from barbie, maybe they come from being burned one to many times, maybe they come from the adversary. The source differs for each of us, but we mus realize that it is just that. An insecurity that is probably not based in any logic. Life can be crappy at times and we can either deal with it and choose to be happy, or deal with it and make a complete ass out of ourselves in the process.

Question!

As I was sitting in my institute class last night, I realized I just recieved my answer. I have had several questions lately that I have wanted answered, and all of them, except one, had been answered, and then last night, as we were listening to a lecture on Doctrine & Covenants 25, the answer came to me. It amazes me that I can recieve answers. I am suprised every time that they come, and yet, I know that they shouldn't, that I should know that they are coming, but still, to told so plainly...Maybe I should ask more questions, but I am affraid that I will be pestering. I should be content with the answers that have been given to me, but I want more. I have been told amazing things, and still I want to be told more. Is that wrong? I don't think so. It is only natural to seek guidance when we are concerned, confused, or hurting. But what about when we are happy, content, and growing? Is it wrong to want more when things are going so well? When I have been given so much already?

Help Wanted

Now accepting applications for a skilled laborer. Part-flex time position, with potential to go full time in the future. High yeilding, low turnover, great benefits. Will not work around other jobs, but flexible with schooling.

I'm a happy girl

I was just realizing how happy i really am. I have a great life. My friends are fabulous, i am happy with the direction i am headed. I know that there are loads of things that i still need to work on, but overall, i am happy. Life is good. I know that i am an amazing person and that i have some great things in store for me. Ahh, life is good.

I'm moving on

There are times in our lives when we have to decided what is really going to be best for us. The right path, the left path, the middle path, or why even bother making the decision I will sit here forever and not go anywhere. I am at this point right now.

For too long I have been sitting and waiting for things to happen to me. I don't want to make a choice because it is scary and things will have to change once I have chosen my new path. Life will take us where we let it, and right now I think I am letting it take me no where, so I am moving on.

I have let thing fester for to long, allowed them to make me bitter and hard. To put me in a horrible mood when I could just have easily been happy. For that I am sorry to all of you who have had to suffer through this with me, but just so you know, I am breaking free of the chains that have been holding me to this spot for so long. I am moving on.

It is scary to think that things are changing and, yet exciting at the same time. I know that I may be falling for a little bit, but there will always be someone there to lift me back up and to help me when I need it.

I have to change myself in order for this all to work properly, and I am sorry if this places us in different areanas. I hope that I distance no one, but I worry it may happen. For my own sanity and peace of mind, I may have to leave you. I don't want to, but it needs to happen. I am moving on.

Shark Bait

After the most fabulous vacation ever it is terribly hard to go back to work. I should have just stayed in Mexico. I have my "shark bite" to deal with. That shark has really sharp teeth and now i am being referred to a hand surgeon, because i have done so much dammage to it that my doctors thinks it may need surgery. Fabulous. I really just want to go home and take my Lorrie Taylors and sleep, but no, i have to endure another hour and a half of class, and only on ibuprophen that doesn't really help the pain for long. On the plus side, i can't sew right now, so i don't have to learn to make the horrible men's one peices. happy day. Oh and typing, not so easy with giant finger brace, it gets in the way, and it hurts if i forget and try to use it.

Vocab Lesson

Ceteris Paribus: the assumption of nothing else changing. This phrase has been very prevalent in my Microeconomics text. I think that i need to learn to use this in my life. I need to stop assuming that it will change. Assuming that this will stop, is a little asinine, because it has come to my attention that it will not.

It is obvious that there are somethings that just cannot be changed. We cannot change some one else's behavior. We cannot change the rain to sun. All that we can do is to ride out the storm and hope for the best in the end. It will be over soon. Things will be different when the cloud moves on.

Can i just say that i hate having a class during the day. Why is it that there are so many boys concerned with being pretty? Why do girls think it is good to be taupe? I really don't get any of this at all. At least i find comfort in knowing that at least in one of my classes there is banker boy. He was in several classes with me last semseter and is at least an intelligent person. this makes classes much more bearable right?

All i have to say is girls use your brains! It is ok to to be intelligent and want to accomplish things in your life, even if your ultimate goal is to get married, that is mine, yet i am not just sitting around pretending to be stupid, waiting for the first boy to come along. And boys, honestly, it is sad when you are prettier than most of the girls on campus. Be men, not wussy whiny little metro's.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Hypocrite: somebody who gives a false appearance of having admirable principles, beliefs, or feelings

Don't you hate hypocrisy? I know that I do.

Mortar and Brick

So, I build walls. Nice tall ones that very few people can get over. I keep invaders away with these walls. Very few people have really been able to penetrate my walls. On the rare occurance I let some one over the walls, and into my world, I offer more trust than you may realize. When trust is broken I have a handy dandy catapult that will shoot very far, and i immediatly start to build that wall a little higher, and remind myself not to be so foolish in letting people in. When i see some one approaching the top of my wall I go into defense mode and start to through everything i can at them, inorder to drive them away, they cannot be so close. I like my walls. They keep me gaurded and safe, within these walls i can not be hurt, or so i thought. I have realized that these walls are not that good at keeping me from being hurt. I think that they my actually be aiding in some of the hurt. If i continue building these walls the only one i will be hurting is me.

I realized this yesterday while sitting in the temple. I was just sitting and thinking i don't want to go. Here i am safe. There is nothing that can hurt me if i just never leave. I can curl up on this couch and sleep and never have to deal with any of the pain anymore. Then i realized that i would still be hurting. I would be stopping myself from progressing and would be dening myself all of the blessings God is waiting to give me. I can no longer hide from the world behind my walls. They are stopping me, not helping me, because, sure, no one can get in, but it is awfully hard for me to get out as well. So i am going to start taking down these walls, it may take a while they are very tall, and very strong. But brick by brick i am going to remove them. Be patient with me.

Have you ever

had one of those days when you know that everything is going to be ok, and even though nothing has been resolved anywhere, you are ok with it and know that you are just fine.? In fact so fine that you just start crying for no reason at all, sure most people would think that when you are crying there is obviously something wrong, but nope, all is well.

Can I Have that Back!

Have you ever wanted to undo something so badly because you know that it is just going to be misinterpreted and misunderstood, because of the time in which it was recieved. Not knowing what the outcome may be is scary, but oh well, move on. It probably needs to be out in the open anyway, and now it is, however innocent and unrelated the message was to something else going on at the time, but taken in the context of that time frame makes complete sense and explains a lot, but it wasn't meant to happen at that time becasue one didn't realize what was going on when the message was given. Now it shed a whole new light on what is really going on internally, and that, my friends, is so scary, things will definintly change and there is no stopping it becasue it needs to happen, and loud as the wish of containment screams "Get that back. Make it as though it never happened!" you can't. What is done is done.

I love...

1. Seeing the sunrise (odd since I am not a mornign person)
2. Being on time for work so I leave on time and not have to feel like I am detention and everyone else is going to go have fun.(it is a rare occurance)
3. Pink, but pretty much everone knows that by now.
4. My new canopy
5. That my adorable niece named her new kitten "Puppy"(she not even 2 so it is ok)
6. Hot weather
7. The smell of hot tar on a road in the summer
8. Flip-flops
9. The Gospel
10. My family
11. Shoes
12. My chipmunk laugh that only comes out when I am silly tired.
13. That in one week I will be driving to Montana, probably in about Idaho Falls at this time.
14. Painting houses
15. laying in the sunshine
16. Rivers(floating down them in tubes)
17. The Temple
18. My good friends
19. Flowers(really what girl doesn't)
20. Getting lost in a book.
21. Sunsets
22. Thunder storms
23. Mountains covered with pine trees
24. The Bears
25. Football, in general
26. Cherry Popsicles

Take A Chance On Me. On Second Thought...

So last night the immortal words of ABBA struck me, not in the usual context one thinks of when hearing this song, ok well at first that is where my thoughts lay, but then a rather different twist on this phrase crossed my mind, and I began to think. As I lay in bed, knowing there was no way i could even get 5 hours of sleep, I realized this life is full of chances. It is a chance for us to learn and to grow, and a chance to be happy.

So while these thoughts were filtering through my head, I decided that if I truley want to be happy, some chances are not going to be relived. When these have come and stabbed you in the back, and time and again continued to push the knife in jsut a little bit deeper, you have to say enough is enough. Things happen and chances can't be taken back once given, but they also don't have to be continuously given when the result has always been the same. Forgive, and move on is my ne motto, but I add to that, I will deffinently be more careful about those I allow to take a chance on me.

My Favorite Jeans

So lately I have been trying to remove a lot of junk and other useless and/or needless items from my possession. It is a tedious and long process, because as you may know I have a lot of stuff, and trying to decide what I want to keep, what I need to keep, and what I really should let go, if only for my own sanity, it is also dang hard to let go of the things that seem so great at the time. Things like that favorite pair of jeans that I will always want to keep, or that great sweatshirt, that makes me so comfortable and I just can't bear to part with it, even though I have lots of newer sweatshirts and jeans that may be in better shape or look better, but I just don't want to give them up yet. I hate shopping for jeans. I know that if I would be willing to let them go it could make more space, and maybe I could find someting similar, just as comfortable, or maybe even more comfortable, but it is scary to give up what I know is comfortable cause what if I can't find something that fits the same. I have often found a pair that I thought would be comfortable, and they turn out to be too tight, or too short, or too long, or too loose. Sure it isn't like I wear the same jeans and sweatshirt all the time, but when ever they calls to me I am willing to put them back on and I remember just why I am so comfortable in them. They know where they need to give a little more room and when I need them to just stay how they are. I continue to try and mend them and make them as good as new, but it seems like when ever I get back to them, they need more repairs to their tattered seams. They should probably just be set free, but I come back to that old problem of liking them no matter how beat up and torn they are.

Dirty Laundry

Can I just say that I have come to the realization that I hate laundry day. I never hated it before, but today i relized that i will not be able to make it another 3 weeks before doing laundry, when i will be at home in montana and it will be free, cause I only have a bout 3 days worth of undies. Not good. I am going to have to walk myself across the parking lot and pay to wash my clothing for the first time in about 3 years. This is no fun. I almost long for the days when i was in Rexburg and home was just a quick four hour drive, so i could go home every couple weeks and do laundry for free if I felt so inclined. But alas it is now 7 hours and that is just not worth it. So I will have to cart my laundry basket downstairs and to the laundromat soon and endure the boring hours tht will be consumed by this tedious, yet needed, time waste. At least they have free drying... maybe i will do it tomorrow and try to give my self skin cancer between cycles. That sounds lovely.

Hold please...

So I have been put on hold. There are some great opportunities that soon will be available in my life, but for the moment they have been put on hold for and unspecified amount of time. All I know is they will come to fruition soon. I am hoping one thing I am holding for isn't soon in the Lord's time cause that could be ten years for all I know, and I really don't want to be sewing underwear for the next 10 years. This is frustrating. I know that things will all work out how they are supposed to, but honestly haven't I been holding long enough? I guess not, I will keep holding for a little minute, I suppose.

Whether it be with school, work, or relationships, I have been placed on hold. Well I guess school not so much, even though it will take me a few more years to finish, at least I am still going. My goals and plans have not changed, but it seems that I am not moving any closer to them. Life can sometimes do that to you right? So we trudge on, hoping that soon we will be put through and allowed to have what it is we desire.

Chats

This weekend I was able to spend some time with a good friend, whom I have been neglecting for a while, not because I don't love her to death, just because things have been different lately. We were able to talk and to share a lot. She is so amazing. I am constantly in awe of how caring and thougthful she is of all her friends and how at times there are those who take advantage of that. Some times it is so nice to just be able to remeber just why that friendship is there in the first place.

Unequal to the Task

It is amazing the ways in which the Lord will get you to turn to him. There was a time, just a few months ago actually, that I was thinking of changing my major to elementary education, with an emphasis in early childhood education, I seriously contemplated this for a few weeks, but I was distinctly told "No, that is not the path for you," so I stuck with business, thinking oh well, not that big of a deal, I am not supposed to teach I guess. But once again I was wrong. I recently have been called to teach in church. This scares the poo out of me. When I wanted to teach I was thinking little kids who are still young and their minds are still moldable, not adult women who know so much more than I do about anything that I am going to try to teach them. I know that if I am willing to ask, the Lord will give me the knowledge that I need to be able to help instruct by the Spirit and to touch at least one person, even if the one person who gains anything from the lesson is me. Still, this is going to make me face one of my fears. I have never felt that I am knowledgable when it comes to the Gospel, so having to teach is going to give me an ulser or two, for a little bit. I will have to turn to the Lord if I ever want to be able to accomplish this new calling.